Kurt Bernardi
The President appeared in every living room on the planet.
“Now is a bad a time as any,” the President began, “to reveal the world will not end in our lifetime.”
A scientist on the President’s staff had strongly advised against starting the broadcast in this way. He feared that everyone gasping at once could lead to a sudden depressurisation of the atmosphere which could, ceteris paribus, create massive tornadoes that would eventually all join into one swirling, global tumult, ending life as they knew it.
The scientist, who had been ignored, was standing to the right of the President when she began her announcement. She glanced at him, and raised an eyebrow. The scientist wanted to explain that the flaw in his theory was Sand-Through-The-Hourglass-related and not atmospheric/meteorological. The Sand-Through-The-Hourglasses had not gasped as uniformly as he had predicted. He was a scientist. He was not supposed to know Sand-Through-The-Hourglasses.
“Since the venerable Hamay Silvox,” the President continued, and made a gesture with her hands which on Earth means ‘prayer’ but on this planet just meant ‘veneration’, “predicted the end of the planet three days ago, we have learnt to live like there is no tomorrow.”
The President paused for dramatic effect, and what better time than now to play a little catch up with the details of this story:
- The planet was not Earth. The inhabitants did not have a name for it, they just called it, “The Planet”, much the same as earth is a synonym of dirt down here.
- The inhabitants of The Planet were varied, though only one species trotted around with titles like President of The Planet and were able to appear in numerous living rooms at once. Only one species had living rooms. These beings called themselves Sand-Through-The-Hourglass, as I have rendered it in English.
- Speaking of rendering in English, the use of the word “day” above is correct in one sense: that of one complete revolution of the planet. However, The Planet revolved much slower than Earth, so a “day” was much, much longer. If an earthling were to time a “day” on this planet with his wristwatch, it would equate to two hundred and seven Earth days. Daylight and night-time had roughly equal durations, so the sun would be up for over one hundred days before it set for more than one hundred. This had not been viewed as a significant problem because the inhabitants of the planet had known no other way, and because they did not need to sleep. They could sleep, if they so chose, but it was seen as socially and morally dubious, similar to the way Western Earthlings view masturbation.
- Rapid advances in technology in the last three months (just over 50 earth years), however, meant it was possible for the affluent classes to never encounter darkness while living in the same dwelling. Such buildings were erected on floating platforms that allowed the planet to revolve beneath them, while remaining exactly the same distance from the star at the centre of this particular solar system.
- The Sand-Through-The-Hourglasses called the star Darryl, which was also the most popular name for house pets.
- The invention of floating platforms led to a boom in the physical sciences, as the affluent classes scrambled to calculate the optimum spot above the surface of the planet to situate their houses. Once a simple-but-elegant algorithm was arrived at, and made widely available thanks to copyright laws far inferior to Earth’s, there was a boom in engineering and architecture, as the affluent classes scrambled to be accommodated on the optimum spot just off the surface of the planet which would place them closest to Darryl, the celestial body, and thus enjoy the warmest climate. As a result, the planet’s largest building, the Hubriplex, was also the largest city and capital of the only real country on the planet. All of the living rooms on the planet in which the President was appearing at this time, were, in fact, in the Hubriplex. This is not to say life did not exist outside the twelve square mile girth of the Hubriplex. Farmers still farmed on the non-floating surface, though they lived in fear of their crops being scythed by the Hubriplex every morning as it slowly crept in from the horizon, six inches above the ground.
- It is not the Hubriplex that creeps, the Hubriplexans (as they came to be known) told the farmers, but the planet. "And without us," the Hubriplexans argued, "you would have no market for your wheat and watermelons. We are all Sand-Though-The-Hourglass. We all play our part. As the ancestors of months gone by said, Life is a dance." The farmers could not muster the rhetoric, or afford to pay for the physical scientists or engineers to calculate or design a solution, so they were forced to play Russian roulette with the Hubriplex. (The algorithm for the location of the Hubriplex was constantly being updated and amended, so the building moved around slightly every rotation, making it impossible to sleep easy if you lived anywhere near the equator.)
“But,” the President continued, “there is evidence Hamay Silvox’s predictions were grossly overstated. The planet may continue to function as normal for between three weeks and six months.” The President paused for effect once more, but since we are relatively up-to-speed, there’s no need for me to interrupt further. “We will not be the last generation.”
Every Sand-Through-The Hourglass in the Hubriplex gasped. Every Sand-Through-The-Hourglass that is, except the scientist to the President’s right, who suddenly donned a self-satisfied smile, and the President herself, who was once again pausing for effect.
“We must curtail our hedonism for the sake of those to come,” the President continued as the scientist looked out of the window for tornadoes which failed to eventuate. “We must clean the hallways of the Hubriplex again, cut back on the takeaways and relearn to cooking our own meals. We should begin apologizing again, take a look at our own personal hygiene, switch out the lights when we leave a room, and maybe even give monogamy another go.”
The President looked at the cameramen and sound technicians and hangers-on who began to nod slowly, as were all the inhabitants of the Hubriplex. Even the scientist began, reluctantly, to nod, and soon his head-bobbing synchronised with the rest of the Hubriplexans, the rhythm of which hit upon the natural frequency of the Hubriplex, which began to shake violently…
A farmer who had just finished planting a row of seeds looked up. On the horizon he saw the dark shadow of the Hubriplex crawling towards his livelihood. He was already thinking apocalyptic thoughts before the low, metallic rumble reached his ears.
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